As long as the context is understood, i.e. Jane is giving the coat to John, it is then possible to substitute the names of the people in the sentence for the appropriate pronouns. This is a time saving device more than anything although it also assists in making sentences less unwieldy than they would otherwise be.
For example, imagine how odd it would sound if every time you mentioned a friend when you were telling a story, you referenced them by name. This is where pronouns come in. They allow spoken language to be conveyed much more smoothly.
With that grammar lesson aside, I now want to explain why pronouns are important in discussing trans* issues.
Think about the aforementioned sentence, ‘Jane gives the coat to John.’ In this sentence I have used names that are very clearly gendered. Jane is a female name and John a male one. Similarly, the pronouns that one would subsequently attach to these people are clearly gendered. They have connotations of male and female gender respectively.
The logical conclusion that this leads to is that on a wider scale pronouns have immense gendered significance.
Stop and think about it for a minute. When you attach a pronoun to a person, you also attach an identity. Jane, as we’ve noted, is clearly a female name and so it seems logical to attach female pronouns to that name.
You may well say this is all well and good. People have names and pronouns that match their gender, and for the most part, this is true.
However, consider for a moment. What if ‘Jane’ is not female? What if the person who has that name has a completely different gender identity to the social role and therefore name/pronouns they have been assigned, what then?
As it happens, some trans* people may identify with a single, binary gender, i.e. they may feel just male or just female. In that case, they will likely use the pronouns of the gender opposite to their assignation at birth. However, the question then arises, what if ones’ gender is not simple male or female? What if it is a mix of these two, something other, or the person feels non gendered?
This is the exact reason that many trans* people may prefer gender neutral pronouns, as they may fit better with that person’s internal identity.
Now comes the part where I want to talk about why I feel respecting pronouns is important.
Imagine, for a moment, that you are born female. However, for some odd reason, your friends, family and everyone you know insists on referring to you with male pronouns. To them, you are a ‘he’, they refer to your possessions, achievements and friends when talking to other as ‘his’ and when you are out and about, you are constantly ‘sir’ed.
For some, this may be hard to imagine, for others, it is all too easy. The point I wish to convey is how frustrating and demoralising this would be.
This process is known as misgendering. What this means is that the way people treat you is incongruent with your internal sense of gender, and for many trans* people this is extremely distressing.
Therefore, as I’m sure you can see, if someone asks you to use particular pronouns when referring to them, be they male/female pronouns or something other, it seems only polite to respect their request. Granted, it may be difficult at first to remember to use those new pronouns, and if such is given, even a new name.
However, perhaps particularly in relation to gender neutral pronouns, people will respect you far more if you try your best to do as they request. After all, in general, people take pronouns for granted. If you are male, you expect to be referred to as ‘he’ and vice versa if you are female. Most people do not have to hear from others that their preferred pronouns sound ‘made up’, ‘artificial’ or ‘are too hard to remember.’ Sadly, this is something that many people with non-binary genders hear a lot of the time.
It may seem daunting to try to remember to use pronouns that you are unfamiliar with, and sometimes you may slip up. If this happens, there is no need to make a big apology, correct yourself and move on. Fixing your mistake without apologising profusely earns you far more respect than not doing so, as if you do apologise too much it may remind the person you are talking to that you find their pronouns difficult to use and this may create tension, which is almost always unpleasant.
I would like to end this article by reminding people reading that everything I have outlined here is merely a suggestion on how you may wish to treat people. This piece is certainly not any sort of imperative and I am definitely not making demands of anyone.
However, if you think about it, it is definitely fair kinder to treat your family and friends in a way that may help to preserve their wellbeing. Pronouns may be only tiny words, but they can and do matter, ultimately, to everybody.
- by Iain
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